Jokes-Tips-Advice I was on Masterchef yesterday when John Torode came over to taste my meal.
When John put a fork full of food into his mouth he said, “Wow! I can taste the tender shredded chicken which is making my taste buds explode, followed by that rich stock combined with soy sauce. Then you have the crisp spring onion which explodes absolutely brilliantly with that stunning fresh sweet corn. Fantastic! What do you call it?”
“Pot noodle, in a bowl.”

Jokes-Tips-Advice I’ve invented a new unit of time, between putting some chicken in your mouth and realising you don’t like piri piri sauce.
It’s a nandosecond.

Jokes-Tips-Advice Since my wife left, it’s really allowed me to experiment with cooking.
Tonight I’m having wraps filled with fish fingers and chocolate spread.

Jokes-Tips-Advice Walkers win a tenner every time you predict it’ll rain, everybody in Scotland will be able to retire by December 2018.

Jokes-Tips-Advice In terms of cutlery, spoons just don’t cut it.

Jokes-Tips-Advice Just noticed, ‘Nice with strawberries’, on the side of my Shredded Wheat box.
That’s because strawberries are nice,
you don’t see on the side of a box of strawberries, ‘Nice with Shredded Wheat’.

Jokes-Tips-Advice Whats Tarte Au Citron?
Its A Bit Like A Slag In A Renault

Jokes-Tips-Advice I got so drunk last night that some one put me in the recovery position.
This morning I woke up on the back of an R.A.C. Truck.